I’m starting to better understand how it all works when it comes to family and living together… It took me a few long-term relationships from my early days up to the age of 36, the last 7 years of figuring myself out and reading tons of literature to understand one of the biggest myths about family.
This myth can be called “They found each other, lived happily ever after and died in one day”. Why isn’t that working?
Just a while ago, I had these blinders in my head and pink glasses on my eyes – my mind was full of illusions. The family life of other people was covered in myths. It seemed that the majority of people did everything right. And if you can’t say the same about yourself that means you are a loser.
If you are strong enough and dare to talk about it with ease – well, you’re okay, keep living, searching for a new prince and build a new happy life “to the grave”. If not – it’s better not to talk at all, live your life as it is, and hide it all with rose-colored pictures in social networks, otherwise there will be a lot of gossip about you, they’ll “eat you alive”, and you’re not ready for that.
A few recent stories from my friends helped me to better understand all this. I was pretty surprised by what they told me. I know them really well, their husbands too. If you look at their pictures in social network, you’ll see that it’s same old – they’re great, they’re happy, and they’re having a great time. So, you’ll smile, feel happy for them and think to yourself – hey, that’s really great. But when you talk to them heart to heart, you’ll hear something entirely different – “It’s terrible, we fight a lot and I want a divorce.”
On one hand, I do feel for them. But on the other – I’m a bit frustrated by all that mass hysteria that forces people to show a beautiful picture, that global brainwashing, that lip service. Don’t you have the courage to be honest with yourself? At least don’t paint that beautiful picture for the outside world if there’s something wrong with your life. Why do you need that web of lies that can just as easily confuse you?
I mean, we, our brand-new generation, should be able to go further than our ancestors ever could, but we, on the contrary, love to complicate things even more and we can’t seem to put everything in order in our minds. We never get ourselves to admit that we are having fights with our loved ones, that we break up and engage into not-the-most-successful relationships. But, the thing is – that’s all totally normal, it’s like training, an upgrade, we’re improving ourselves , and that’s natural, that’s how it usually goes, we all have to deal with that kind of stuff…
To have a chain, a series of relationships is normal, not a disaster
That’s because we as kids or young people are never taught to work on our resources or to show empathy, and we are never taught about the balance in a relationship. And our parents rarely demonstrate that with their own lives. So how can there be a long, harmonious life with a spouse?
But no, we arm ourselves with the social networks and are happy to spread and strengthen the myth that this picture of life-long family happiness from youth to the old age is not just real – it’s absolutely real – it’s all around us, everybody in this world is happy and if that’s not the case with you, well, that means you’re most definitely doing something wrong.
So, everybody’s looking at that picture and they try their best to apply that “standard” onto their own family lives. To tell the truth, it’s pretty amazing, actually, how deep they managed to “plant” all those programs and myths into our minds that have nothing to do with reality. And how passionately and stubbornly we try to follow them, but nobody ever succeeds, because it’s just a bloated bubble, nothing more, nothing less. These programs are passed on to us by our parents, neighbors, teachers and the mass media. If you take them as the proper way of living, something that a lot of people “master” from the first or at least the second try, then you are doomed to be unhappy, unsatisfied and feel like a looser.
We are brainwashed with this idea about a prince on a white horse and, as a result, we spawned a whole world of frozen girls and women who had a few bad relationships with “regular” guys (which is absolutely normal) and closed themselves up. As for the handsome prince who would’ve understood and accepted her as she is, who would’ve done a lot of deeds, warmed her up and crashed all the obstacles – well, he never comes around. And then, while in this frustrated, unhealthy state of mind, these girls have a better chance of getting themselves into a trouble in a relationship, some love addiction and yet another sad story. And that’s it – we have a full circle.
All that leads to getting married out of fear that time is flying, giving birth to a child, getting a lease/loan, a mortgage, even more frustration, accepting the fact that you’re just going to be unhappy (everybody lives like that), giving a bribe in the kindergarten, the school, bribing the doctor, buying a brand-new iPhone , a new car, turning on the TV…
So, the biggest family myth (the bug) goes like this:
The most important thing (!) – find a prince.
For the majority of women that’s it – to finally (!) find a prince.
Found him? Ok, whew! It’s done. Your life is ALREADY peachy – to the grave.
Alright, all of your problems are solved, the ultimate program is done, you can relax, as it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll love you for eternity and everything will go according to the plan – kids, a lot of work and responsibilities and growing old together. In your own eyes and in the eyes of others you are a successful person.
And if you happened to FIND him, but, God forbid, couldn’t keep him or something went wrong – you couldn’t build a happy family life – that means YOU’RE BAD, “not like everybody else”.
You need to keep it a secret, hide it and search for happiness in those Vedic sites that write about a woman’s destiny – to be soft, patient, faithful in everything to her one and only husband, to live her entire live with him, to work on all her flaws with him, the ones that lead her to marrying this exact man. Even if she feels sick all the time and cries at night. One of the following states of mind – “Couldn’t make it work – you’re a loser – shut up and try to live the live you’ve got” or “Couldn’t make it work – shut up, everybody around you lives like that, there’s nothing to strive for” – consumes the mind of almost every single girl and woman out there.
And, for some reason, nobody talks about things like:
– Love is not a constant thing, it’s variable, mobile, and it tends to go away or fade away and your prince can stop loving you at any second – even a month after your wedding. There are no guarantees for eternal love – there can never be. Even if he sworn it.
– In most cases, people are starting to mature (more or less) and upgrade their resources when they reach 30-35 years of age. And before that, almost all attempts at a harmonious and balanced long-term relationship are doomed to fail. Besides, people progress and evolve at different rates and at some point they may even stop being interesting to each other – just like that.
– There’s this thing, called “co-dependency”, and I’ll write a lot about it, because about 90 percent of women have it (men have that too, but a smaller percentage of them). In short, in dysfunctional families (the most frequent scenarios – only one parent is raising the kid(s), one or both parents drink, they are workaholics, emotionally cold people, teachers, military folks), parents pass on an unhealthy relationship model to their children. This model is based on the lack of love.
So, the child is forced to work for that love, to conquer it, to show that he’s a hero, to save somebody (a drinking parent, for example), to live only for the rare positive emotional handouts in moments when he achieves something huge, or the parent is sober and pays attention to him, and so on. As a result, the majority of these children turn into adults with the “A Grade Student Syndrome”, or the “Hero Syndrome”. Codependency is an unnatural fusion of the borders. It’s a dependency on the partner’s state of mind or his/her mood – it’s voluntary acceptance of responsibility for their lives, hyper control.
When they grow up, these women (and women become codependent more often than men) tend to marry men who are alcoholics, drug addicts, workaholics, and emotionally cold, and continue to live according to the same model that they got used to as kids. They are ready to sacrifice themselves all the time. There is this term for co-dependent girls – “Brides Of Alcoholics.” They usually try to save a man, to help him, and, after a while, they switch from rescuing to the other roles from the Karpman Drama Triangle (The Rescuer – The Prosecutor – The Victim). They feel dissatisfied with this role, and can keep running through this triangle for eternity – once every six months or five times a day. And, in general, they get “stuck” to the man, which, of course, creates a strong imbalance.
After the war, our parents missed a lot of that love, there were many single-parent families, the parents of our parents worked very hard and were emotionally cold, used to drink a lot. As a result, we’ve got a strong imbalance, and its powerful waves are flowing to this very day.
– A few years after you start living together with your partner (3-5-7 years), something called a “default” happens (this is yet another term by Marina Komissarova used in the context of relationships – I’ll be mentioning this author a lot) – it’s a state when you start experiencing frustration, constant fights, offences, complaints. It’s when you don’t want to spend your energy on your partner. When you don’t really appreciate any of his contributions.
– A lot of the times we see love as just dependence of a weak person, without some supports or any interesting activities (I mean, we understand our weakness and the sudden emotional dependence on a person as love). That means we got emotionally stuck and insert his personality into our heads to an extent that it’s sticking out of our ears; we take his regular actions as some special ones aimed at us and throw ourselves into a state of dependence – an addictive, sick, maybe even crazy state. So, we just talked about 5 factors that very few people know about when they’re starting a life together. And there are more factors out there.
As it turns out, the majority (!) of families live in the state of a light or heavy default. The majority (!) of families live as if they’re neighbors. Libido fades away almost in everybody, because we become like family to each other, and that’s an important social process – it’s natural, normal. Sure thing, we need to work on the sexual resource, but only at the pleasure of both, and we should never get upset, even if we have less sex in our lives than we used to when we were young – pretty much EVERYBODY experiences this!
“We have always been frustrated, just to get a wife and a family was an important part of self-identification – that’s why everybody was getting married.
But these days nobody’s forcing us to do that. At the same time, only a few people had a strong, perfected resource of love. So, folks were getting married and “cooling down” almost immediately. They kept on living almost as neighbors.
As for today, people don’t get married – but they cool down just as fast. However, if they fall in love, they get married anyway”.
Another myth that many-many people love to recite – “Back in the day, marriages used to be stronger and we had a lot less divorces.” That’s true: on one hand, the situation after the last world war, which affected most of the countries worldwide, was completely different and brought people together. But on the other hand, if we analyze the lives of our parents and grandparents, we’ll see and realize that they had to put up with each other; as for the big love that would last forever – there was very little of that. Most of the time, strong marriages were based on the fact that one of the spouses was dominant (it doesn’t really matter if it was the man or the woman), and the other one had to adjust. To a large extent, relationships back then were based on fear and folks depended a lot on the opinions of the surrounding people. And even though people were cheating on a regular basis, they still lived together. Many women were afraid of being alone and could live with men they didn’t love, going against their own happiness. And those men who turned out to be “sluggish” (there were a lot of those), didn’t really have a lot of interest in women, and smoothly switched to the “fishing-hunting-drinking-the pool table-friends” relationship.
Today we’ve got a ridiculous amount of couples who went through a divorce, and that’s fine. Because while our grandparents used to put up with each other, our moms-dads started divorcing, looking for ways to be alone, but happier, people today refuse to tolerate and don’t want to stay with somebody just for the heck of it. They experienced so much negativity in a short period of time that they know clearly: if they keep this up for a bit longer, they’ll simply break down and/or collapse. And that’s actually true. A default (it’s often the state before the divorce) is a super-destructive state for both the man and the woman. But (!) If you have children, you’ll need to carefully consider every tiny detail before you make any sudden moves.
Another quote from Marina Komissarova:
“How do you guarantee yourself that the man who loves you now won’t stop caring for you a month after the wedding?
Why would you ever guarantee that?
So that you can sit back on your butt and relax for eternity?
You won’t be able to do that.
You’ll have to work that butt like crazy.
Move it. Get up and leave from time to time.
That’s normal life”.
Love and relationships are dynamic. Sometimes they can change, turn upside down in a couple of hours.
Do you want that legendary love to the grave, meaning love in balance? Never stop perfecting yourself, keep doing the work that you love, learn how to make big bucks, be independent, upgrade your other resources – awareness, your own ability to love and to be loved, be charming and friendly, but not “sticky”, fix your locus and self-esteem (we’ll talk about that in other articles), learn to live with modesty, learn to recognize your illusions and take that crown off already :). It’s really great that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
While I was finishing writing this post, I suddenly wanted to give my ex-husband a kiss for those 5 years of imbalance, when I couldn’t see anybody but him and in which I suffered and cried, because he used to say that he loved me from time to time, we had affection, a child together, but I still saw that something was wrong, not the way it was supposed to be.
You can “pump up”, upgrade your love resource only if you went through a rough patch. If you had that unlucky streak and got out of it with “minimal loses” and a huge experience (that helped you better understand some things), you should be thankful. At first, I had this urge to dig deep into myself and our relationship. But today, after all these years, I think that I have a chance at future harmonious relationships in balance. Only a chance – the rest is up to me. I still need some time to “level up” and change some things before I meet the man who I would really like to see next to me.
And what do you think about a line-up of life partners and relationships in this life?
Naturally, this isn’t true for 100% of the couples, but it definitely is for the majority of them.
What do you think about the inevitable collapse of relationships between most couples after a few years, especially before the age of 30 and a year or two after the kids are born?
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